About Me

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was sold to gypsies as a small child for half a tank of gas and a kitten. She was quickly, if not easily, retrieved by her mother after the kitten was revealed to be an Eldrich horror looking for a ride into the nearest metropolitan area to begin wreaking havoc. It's been a bone of contention between Maria and her family ever since, whether the Horror-kitten would've been more or less trouble than she grew up to be.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Banned Book Poetry

September 26-October 2 is Banned Book Week and the fabulous Jo Knowles is having a banned book haiku contest. Which, of course, I entered.

"In honor of Banned Books Week, I challenge you to write a haiku about your feelings on censorship/banned books. I will post these all week and choose a winner on Friday. The winner will get a signed first edition of Lessons From A Dead Girl."

Freedom in my hands
Stolen by those who say I'm
Too young to take it

Go enter her contest at http://jbknowles.livejournal.com/

-Maria D.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Woman on Woman Crime

Women beware. I have seen the face of the enemy and she is us.

Allow me to introduce you to the Queen Bee and the Female Chauvinist Pig. If you haven’t already met, trust me, you will.

The Queen Bee: She’s the woman who has succeeded. She is queen of her domain. Man has no mastery over her. She stands as a testament to the ideals of feminism; that a woman can be boss and do it just as well if not better than a man. And she will KILL any woman who tries to do the same anywhere near her. Think Highlander: there can be only one.

I’ve been employed by these women and fired by them unfailingly. You cannot have a better idea than her. You cannot have an idea before she does. In fact, you’d better stop thinking right now and get comfortable looking small and unthreatening. If you’re younger than the Queen Bee, she’ll make your life Hell for existing; doubly so if there are any male coworkers. If you’re older than the Queen Bee and have an education level equal to or higher than her, ditto. These women are on power trips and nothing will stop them. Queen Bees are frequently found in the public school system, working as principles and English teachers. If you’re a smart student, it also sucks rocks to be in their class.

Female Chauvinist Pigs declare that raunchy is the same thing as liberated. They will tell you to go on Girls Gone Wild; that any consequences are because the world doesn’t respect women and their sexuality. They believe that showing disproportionately large breasted girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines to the cheering of lascivious, testosterone poisoned men - The Man Show, I’m looking at you – doesn’t objectify women but empowers them. These women subscribe to the belief that to succeed, you must become the stereotypical man.

The Female Chauvinist Pig frequently succeeds in her chosen profession. She’s found most often in entertainment because, let’s be honest, sex sells and it sells well. But while some women hail her as a savior of the gender, and ‘the average man’ proclaims that she ‘gets it,’ she will turn on you in a heartbeat if you dare to suggest that women can be professionally competent and sexually secure without taking classes in stripper etiquette. And let me tell you a secret, female to female; men laugh at these women who think they can grow a dick and be one of the boys. Where is the respect or equality in that?

These women hide under the guise of feminism while they contort and abuse their gender for power. They embody the demonized feminist, touted by conservatives, religious zealots, and everyone who is afraid or disgusted by a woman in charge of her own life. They prove men right when they say that women are unable to hold power in society and give them something to laugh at us over. They make our lives harder while telling us they are our friends. They tear our ideals, hopes and aspirations to shreds when they think no one is looking. But I am looking and you should too.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

October Horrorscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. We recommend moving to Libya. They seem to treat the dying very well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your significant other is really a werewolf. Haven’t you noticed how much they like that new Shakira song?

Aries (March 20 – April 19)

The stars advise you to share that sandwich with me. Seriously.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someday, the world will realize your genius and bestow upon you all the fame and adoration which you deserve. That day is not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Your quest for a meaningful relationship will once again be thwarted by your early onset balding. The stars advise you to start investing in Rogaine.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Dropping out of school and quitting your job to become a professional, full-time World of Warcraft player will not bring you the accolades and glory you seek. However, it WILL bring you a lifetime of Meals on Wheels donations and a listing on dontdatehimgirl.com.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The cosmos demands you bring it a shrubbery!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

HA! Your Twilight addiction has gotten the best of you. Instead of writing that essay question about Aristotle and his ‘forms,’ you wrote about the vampire wars of the south. The stars guarantee that your professor will not be amused.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The stars say you do NOT want to go to that Halloween party down the street. But if you do go, you should NOT tell those guys from one of the UMCP fraternities that your sign is Scorpio not matter how often they ask or how cute they are. But if you do, you should NOT drink the punch. But if you do, you should NOT go with your friends to that tattoo parlor behind the Krispy Kreme. But if you do, do NOT get in the chair. But if you do, you should avoid wearing a thong ever again, because if anyone ever sees that tattoo on your left butt cheek of the scorpion playing a banjo with Mickey Mouse ears on, you will never, EVER live it down.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your charming personality and dazzling wit will win the respect and friendship of many. Your constant mooching and free-loading at lunch will lose them.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You had the opportunity to take over the world this month, but you got distracted by Mafia Wars on Facebook.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Life Without A Lifemate

I’m on a number of social networking sites, and on some of these, there are introduction threads. On one of these, they asked us state our long term goals and I wrote what I considered to be the basics.

• graduate from college,
• get a job I don’t hate,
• write and publish books,
• hold the leaders of the free world hostage and make them listen to Abba,
• beat Stephenie Meyer with a hard back copy of Breaking Dawn in a pillow case.

You know, the important stuff. But apparently I missed the memo. The one that says somewhere in the long-term goals section, a girl must list the desire to marry and procreate.

Just to set the record straight, I’m not going to say that the idea of finding a nice guy, having a big party to celebrate the finding of said guy, and making little people out of our combined genetic material doesn’t sound like a potentially good time. But as a child of divorce, I also recognize that it could be a potentially disastrous time! And I think it’s a bit stupid to plan my life around that possibility.

What really irks me about it is that it carries the unspoken understanding that, if you don’t have these – a partner and children – your life has less meaning, less worth, than someone who does. For some reason, your life is not complete until you have these things. Admittedly, men do feel this pressure too. But I haven’t noticed it being quite as intense as it is for women. For my brother, the question is ‘don’t you want a girl friend?’ For me, the question tends to be ‘don’t you want a husband?’ For guys, there is an implication of impermanence; that girls are transitory. Women are burdened with permanence; we have to lure in a man, beat him over the head with our rolling pins, and drag him to our happy home.

I want to know why can’t we all just follow our respective bliss’? What’s wrong with writing my stories, starting my small business, having some good friends, and being happy with that? If I find someone I want to spiritually, economically, and emotionally tie myself to for the rest of my life, then YAY ME. But I refuse to be burdened with societies’ judgment that I have failed at life because I lack a significant other. Marriage is a wonderful institution. I’m just not ready to be institutionalized.