(Belated) February Horrorscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You mistakenly thought that it would be fun to get snowed in with friends during the blizzard. None of those people will ever speak to you again.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Because you work at Best Buy, you’ll still have to go into work, even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. No the economy is still not good enough for you to quit this joke of a job and get a new one. Sorry.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The zombie squirrels have built a mighty snow fortress outside the cafeteria. From the ramparts, they will pelt you with slush balls and icicles. There is no escape.

Taurus (April 20 – May20)

Kiss your vacation plans good-bye. The stars foresee that spring semester classes will run to July to make up for the blizzards. Hope you got some good snowball fights in.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You ate the yellow snow, didn’t you? Go away. The stars have no fortune for you.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

All your fish in Fishville are going to die over the weekend while you write a paper for class. Boohoo.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The stars foresee that your decision to give up social networking for Lent, while admirable, is doomed to failure. Try something easier, like quitting smoking.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your astronomy class is trying to turn you against us. Come to the dark side. We can tell you which classes you’re going to fail this semester.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Feel bad about being dumped on Valentines’ Day? Don’t worry. In a few months, your former date is going to end up on the wrong side of an episode of Cheaters, face-plant into a parking lot while trying to escape, and desperately need some rhinoplasty when it’s all over.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

We know that sledding down the driveway hill on Catonsville’s campus seems like a good idea, but it really, really isn’t. For starters, the campus won’t cover your resulting hospital bills.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The stars foresee a whole generation of tweens who believe “Wolfman” ripped off “New Moon.” Start building that underground bunker and storing provisions now.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your Canadian girlfriend will break up with you next month after bitter arguments over some unflattering comments you’ll make over the Olympics on your Facebook page.

December Horrorscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The cosmos foretells that your ASL final is going to involve a song and dance routine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Though you constantly bemoan the job which you feel is sucking your soul dry, the stars see that your misery will increase exponentially if you quit said job before the holidays. We’re sure your family is going to have some choice words as well when you couldn’t afford to buy any of them presents.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Quit that job which is sucking your soul dry. Your boss is making bootleg copies of ‘Left for Dead 2’ to sell for dirt cheap. Not only is he about but be arrested for it, but he won’t sell you a copy either.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your professor will give you an A if you become their neighbor on Farmville.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Ever since watching 2012, you’ve had “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” by REM stuck in your head. The stars have no clue how to get it out; they’ve had it stuck in their heads too.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The zombie squirrels are going Christmas caroling. The stars advise you to take advantage of their holiday spirit and ask for the return of your laptop.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Any movie you try to see over break will be ruined by Twilight fans screaming in the next theater.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t drink the eggnog. You’ll thank us for the warning later.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Why is the rum gone, you ask? You drank it when you were studying for finals.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Bus #77 will not only drive past you at the stop, but it will drive through a puddle of muddy water and splash you with it. While you stand there, cold, wet, and late for your last final of the semester, take comfort in the knowledge that you’re not the only student they’ve done this to. Or you could imagine the bus driver roasting on an open fire. Whichever makes you feel better.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The rock hard fruitcake your neighbors gifted to you will come in handy as an escape tool when your significant others parents begin to ask “when are you two going to settle down and give us some grandbabies?’ The front window doesn’t seem too sturdy; try throwing it through that.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not shout, I’m telling you why: the velociraptors are stalking you.

November Horrorscopes

Come and read the horoscopes they didn't want you to know about.

Aquarius

Your roommates say they love your new haircut, but you know they’re lying. However, the stars foretell that your plan to sneak into their rooms, cut off their hair, and make a wig will only end in tears.

Pisces

In the wake of Balloon Boy, your planned flight across the American Midwest in a home-made dirigible will not go over well. Rolling along Route 66 in one of those giant hamster balls still has potential though.

Aries

Beware public transportation this month. The Turkey Jihad begins.

Taurus

Stay away from the barn lounge. The zombie squirrels have returned and are lying in wait to steal your lunch money and net book.

Gemini

Your love of show tunes will be surprisingly helpful during that pop quiz in Studies in Mythology next week.

Cancer

The stars say not to worry; your Thanksgiving turkey will turn out perfect. The pie is a bad idea though. A VERY bad idea. Also, the cake is a lie.

Leo

No, they're not coming back. The stars want you to quit asking.

Virgo

Your attempt to hijack a float and start a dance party at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade will not make you the new Ferris Beuler. You will instead be dubbed "Balloon Boy 2: Helium Boogaloo" after an angry mob ties you to the Pikachu balloon and lets go.

Libra

The stars say "Please ask again later."

Scorpio

We know what you're thinking: was that hottie you kissed at the MFS Halloween Bash really a girl? Only her plastic surgeon knows for sure.

Sagittarius

Your new lab partner is really cute. The stars hope it's enough to save them from your wrath when they turn out to be dumber than toast and you're stuck carrying their work load.

Capricorn

Your letter from Hogwarts is going to arrive next week!

Once again, I completely ignore my homework in favor of blogging. At least this kind of counts as school work... sort of... in a manner of speaking. :3

October Horrorscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. We recommend moving to Libya. They seem to treat the dying very well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your significant other is really a werewolf. Haven’t you noticed how much they like that new Shakira song?

Aries (March 20 – April 19)

The stars advise you to share that sandwich with me. Seriously.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someday, the world will realize your genius and bestow upon you all the fame and adoration which you deserve. That day is not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Your quest for a meaningful relationship will once again be thwarted by your early onset balding. The stars advise you to start investing in Rogaine.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Dropping out of school and quitting your job to become a professional, full-time World of Warcraft player will not bring you the accolades and glory you seek. However, it WILL bring you a lifetime of Meals on Wheels donations and a listing on dontdatehimgirl.com.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The cosmos demands you bring it a shrubbery!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

HA! Your Twilight addiction has gotten the best of you. Instead of writing that essay question about Aristotle and his ‘forms,’ you wrote about the vampire wars of the south. The stars guarantee that your professor will not be amused.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

DON’T EAT THE MUFFINS!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The stars say you do NOT want to go to that Halloween party down the street. But if you do go, you should NOT tell those guys from one of the UMCP fraternities that your sign is Scorpio not matter how often they ask or how cute they are. But if you do, you should NOT drink the punch. But if you do, you should NOT go with your friends to that tattoo parlor behind the Krispy Kreme. But if you do, do NOT get in the chair. But if you do, you should avoid wearing a thong ever again, because if anyone ever sees that tattoo on your left butt cheek of the scorpion playing a banjo with Mickey Mouse ears on, you will never, EVER live it down.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your charming personality and dazzling wit will win the respect and friendship of many. Your constant mooching and free-loading at lunch will lose them.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You had the opportunity to take over the world this month, but you got distracted by Mafia Wars on Facebook.