December Horrorscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The cosmos foretells that your ASL final is going to involve a song and dance routine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Though you constantly bemoan the job which you feel is sucking your soul dry, the stars see that your misery will increase exponentially if you quit said job before the holidays. We’re sure your family is going to have some choice words as well when you couldn’t afford to buy any of them presents.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Quit that job which is sucking your soul dry. Your boss is making bootleg copies of ‘Left for Dead 2’ to sell for dirt cheap. Not only is he about but be arrested for it, but he won’t sell you a copy either.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your professor will give you an A if you become their neighbor on Farmville.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Ever since watching 2012, you’ve had “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” by REM stuck in your head. The stars have no clue how to get it out; they’ve had it stuck in their heads too.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The zombie squirrels are going Christmas caroling. The stars advise you to take advantage of their holiday spirit and ask for the return of your laptop.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Any movie you try to see over break will be ruined by Twilight fans screaming in the next theater.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t drink the eggnog. You’ll thank us for the warning later.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Why is the rum gone, you ask? You drank it when you were studying for finals.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Bus #77 will not only drive past you at the stop, but it will drive through a puddle of muddy water and splash you with it. While you stand there, cold, wet, and late for your last final of the semester, take comfort in the knowledge that you’re not the only student they’ve done this to. Or you could imagine the bus driver roasting on an open fire. Whichever makes you feel better.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The rock hard fruitcake your neighbors gifted to you will come in handy as an escape tool when your significant others parents begin to ask “when are you two going to settle down and give us some grandbabies?’ The front window doesn’t seem too sturdy; try throwing it through that.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not shout, I’m telling you why: the velociraptors are stalking you.