Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You mistakenly thought that it would be fun to get snowed in with friends during the blizzard. None of those people will ever speak to you again.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Because you work at Best Buy, you’ll still have to go into work, even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. No the economy is still not good enough for you to quit this joke of a job and get a new one. Sorry.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The zombie squirrels have built a mighty snow fortress outside the cafeteria. From the ramparts, they will pelt you with slush balls and icicles. There is no escape.
Taurus (April 20 – May20)
Kiss your vacation plans good-bye. The stars foresee that spring semester classes will run to July to make up for the blizzards. Hope you got some good snowball fights in.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You ate the yellow snow, didn’t you? Go away. The stars have no fortune for you.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
All your fish in Fishville are going to die over the weekend while you write a paper for class. Boohoo.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The stars foresee that your decision to give up social networking for Lent, while admirable, is doomed to failure. Try something easier, like quitting smoking.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your astronomy class is trying to turn you against us. Come to the dark side. We can tell you which classes you’re going to fail this semester.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Feel bad about being dumped on Valentines’ Day? Don’t worry. In a few months, your former date is going to end up on the wrong side of an episode of Cheaters, face-plant into a parking lot while trying to escape, and desperately need some rhinoplasty when it’s all over.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
We know that sledding down the driveway hill on Catonsville’s campus seems like a good idea, but it really, really isn’t. For starters, the campus won’t cover your resulting hospital bills.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The stars foresee a whole generation of tweens who believe “Wolfman” ripped off “New Moon.” Start building that underground bunker and storing provisions now.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your Canadian girlfriend will break up with you next month after bitter arguments over some unflattering comments you’ll make over the Olympics on your Facebook page.